HUMOUR

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A JOKE FOR THESE SAD TIMES

" Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: 'What's that?

Lady 2: 'A condom.'

Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'

Lady 2: 'You can get them at any pharmacists.'

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacist shop and announces to the pharmacist  that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her early 90s, and perhaps close to a premature death ), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted. "

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Click on these for some real fun

Bill Hicks on Smoking

Boris Johnson Room 101

Dog with a Habit

The Boy FRom The Bronx

The All American Way

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A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation: "What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms.

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YOU CAN ALWAYS RECOGNIZE A CAMEL

...says the CAMEL ad in Spain. A beautiful way of the manufacturer of this brand to thumb its nose at the North American-based health fascism. No matter how much you forbid, persecute, or hide, smoking is here TO STAY!

Courtesy of "El Fumador" (The Smoker), the Spanish pro-choice organization.

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TOURING the British Isles while recording a BBC TV series (2002), the Glasgow born comedian Billy Connolly (left) told a live audience:

'A woman came over. I was smoking a cigar and she said, "Excuse me, my friend is sensitive to smoke. Could you put it out?"

'I thought, you're not so sensitive, are you? I said, "No, I don't think so."

"Excuse me," she says, "Excuse me," I said, "I'm in the bar, I'm in the bar smoking. If she's too sensitive to smoke what's she doing in here?"

'She says, "We're expecting friends."

'I said, "I don't care if you're expecting twins."

'At which stage she took umbrage. I said, "You've got every room in the hotel! You've got outside in the garden, you've got next door there, in the lounge; you've got the foyer; and you want me to put it out so you can sit in the only room we're allowed to f***ing smoke!"'

SCENE from the Marx Brothers film, A Night in Casablanca:

Football referee: 'What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?'

Groucho Marx: 'Why, do you know another way to smoke it?'

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'IF YOUR wife doesn't like the aroma of your cigar, change your wife.' Zino Davidoff

'IF YOU don't smoke or drink, you die in good health.'   Old Russian saying

'IF YOU give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't live any longer, it just seems longer.'

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A FINN, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: 'YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!'

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TWO NUNS were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said:

'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

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THE SHIP was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become ... a cigarette lighter.

'I PHONED my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.' Steven Pearl, US film-maker

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the

goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc

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There is hope for the next generation and its feelings about antismoking nannies...

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BIGGEST HEALTH HAZARD IN AMERICA -- PROOF!!

In the course of some research I was astonished and appalled to come across evidence of a major factor in American mortality rates. This preventable cause of death is being completely ignored by the authorities so far, and I appeal to all the good people in this newsgroup to help me in fighting this insidious addictive killer by passing on this health warning to everybody you know!

Important warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

No sale of bread to minors.

A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

A 300% federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Alex W. -- concerned citizen

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MONKEYS HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN ANTISMOKER

In its torrential flood of antismoking junk science and false information, ASH shows a (rare) veneer of humour. Not that ASH intends to be humorous, of course, since, like the rest of the miserable antismokers, they are incapable of that.

In one of their latest posts (Monkeys Conduct Antismoking Campaign), however, we read: "Monkeys have once again risen to the occasion to fight evil." ... "A group of 14 monkeys can be found marching in a single file around the Sahara India building on Boring Road in Patna, keeping a strict vigil on smokers. The moment they see anyone smoking they pounce on the person and deliver a couple of tight slaps. These simians, who live in the AC ducts and pipes running in the building, seem to have set forth very strict rules against smoking."

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Smoking leaders' legacy catches up with Chinese

James Pringle  (The Times) in Beijing

MAO smoked Great Wall cigars, and Deng Xiaoping lit up continually as he played cards. Now China is experiencing a catastrophic epidemic of smoking-related diseases.

There we go. The "catastrophic epidemic of smoking-related diseases!" It is interesting to notice how this "catastrophe," after centuries of tobacco smoking, has suddenly developed all over the world.

Two surveys involving 1.25 million people in the world's leading tobacco-producing country show that up to 2,000 Chinese a day are now dying of smoking-related diseases. By 2050, if present trends continue, that could rise to about three million a year.

The two studies are the result of a long-term international collaboration between Oxford University, the Chinese Academy of Preventive Medicine in Beijing and Cornell University in the United States.

Why has the "catastrophe" appeared just now? How could those millions and millions of dead all over the world each year go unobserved for all these decades -- even though we had the detection technology available for so many years? The answer is very, very simple: the catastrophe is not there! In fact, this terrible calamity is theoretical. It is a mathematical model (SAMMEC) based on assumption -- NOT ON FACTS.

The mathematical model has as a base the association between deaths caused by certain diseases, and smoking. Basically, every smoker (or ex-smoker) who died at any age of natural causes (they still have, for now, the decency of not including car accidents and gunfire -- that's for future propaganda against other industries!) is considered a Smoking-Attributable Mortality. Since people inevitably die of something (cancer, respiratory disease, kidney failure, heart failure, etc.), if they smoke, those deaths are attributed to smoking. Though achieved through a very complex (and confusing) set of calculations, the catastrophic number of deaths boils down to the simplest of the equations: 1 smoker or ex-smoker death = 1 death caused by tobacco, for virtually every disease has been statistically linked (no causality proof needed anymore, nowadays) to tobacco.

It is mind-boggling how many millions of people (MD s included) have been bamboozled by this simple fraud.

Two thirds of Chinese men start smoking by the age of 25, and three quarters of all Chinese men are smokers in a total population of 1.2 billion. Average per capita consumption rose from one cigarette a day in 1952 to ten in 1992, but appears to have stabilised.

Wow! One second, please... So, if the majority of Chinese men started smoking by the age of 25, it means that those who were 25 in 1952 are 71 in 1998. The deaths of all those people should be already counted out because even antismoking EPA considers 1 cigarette per day (in our case about 1.3) of no consequence to health... but not according to SAMMEC! Let's go on. Assuming the above-mentioned progression in smoking as linear (very probable), in 1972 the average Chinese smoked about 6.5 cigarettes per day. Now, that borders with social smoking, and those who were 25 in 1972 are now only 51. Shall we say that social smoking is the same as heavy smoking? Shall we then attribute the same mortality to social smoking as we attribute to chain smoking? Once again, for SAMMEC -- and all the sold-out statisticians and scientists, the answer is YES!

In the West, smoking causes many heart-related deaths, but in China most such deaths are caused by respiratory diseases, the surveys indicate.

It is therefore logical to conclude that the Chinese human body is fundamentally different from the Western human body! Don't laugh yet: obviously (for us, at least) the human body is the same, and so is basically tobacco. The difference is in the myriad of confounding factors such as diet, lifestyle, environment, etc. which are interacting in millions of different combinations with different effects for different individuals, and in themselves determine the different outcome in the cause of death. It is precisely because of the random interaction of confounders that it is not possible to attribute those deaths to smoking alone -- or to smoking at all.. This is a well-known fact to the anti-tobacco grant-grabbing statistical entrepreneurs, but it is well hidden from the ignorant population by means of complex explanations, authoritative attitudes, and hysteria-sparking media. To close, objections from the experts of the opposition are pre-emptied by preventing those expert to access proprietary and often-unpublished databases.

In London, Dr Alan Lopez of the World Health Organisation told a news conference: "In the West, cigarettes cause lots of heart attack deaths, while in China smoking causes unexpectedly large numbers of deaths from tuberculosis, emphysema and stomach and liver cancer.

How creative! How typical of the US-financed World Hysteria Organisation! Now smoking causes tuberculosis, stomach and liver cancer! (We neglect emphysema because that's an old one). We are not familiar with these "new" "causes", and for that we ask forgiveness. You know, it is hard to keep up with the daily massive production of BS junk science -- but we'll catch up, we promise! In the meantime, we always knew that tuberculosis is viral... and it is hard to believe that smokers are sharing the butt the same way junkies share the needles... though, according to the propaganda, there isn't much of a difference!

"Worldwide, the only really big causes of premature death that are growing rapidly are HIV and tobacco."

Oops! We take it back: smokers ARE sharing the butt! But we are still puzzled by how smokers can copulate with a cigarette... don't they know that they have to use condoms?

HIV is also a growing threat in China with about 300,000 confirmed cases.

And they should concentrate on that instead of the smoking BS. No confounding factors there...!

Few Chinese women smoke and the number is falling even as smoking in men increases, according to the reports. However, trendy young women in Beijing like to be seen with cigarettes, apparently as a fashion accessory. Surveys show that two thirds of Chinese people think smoking does little or no harm.

Common sense is still common in China: no hysteria, no grants, no junk science, no SAMMEC. Clearly, the anti-smoking cancer has not filtered down, yet.

Dr Zhengming Chen of Oxford University said the increase in tobacco consumption did not appear to be a result of promotion by cigarette companies, since smoking had been rising since the 1970s - before China allowed advertising.

Dr Zhengming Chen, you better take THAT back, if you want to see your next "research" grant...!

The Government is taking some action. Fewer Chinese leaders are photographed smoking, most internal flights are smoking-free and tobacco advertising is banned in several cities. Airports have fuggy rooms set aside for smokers.

We were wrong: the anti-smoking cancer IS filtering down, but slowly. Perhaps China will manage to jail a few WHO-hired anti-tobacco cartel operatives for the usual frauds while the WHO and anti-tobacco activists find some other profitable industry to loot, and lie about.

But taxes from tobacco remain an important source of government income. And Mao and Deng, after all, confirmed that even smokers may live to a ripe old age.

And THAT makes sense. And by the same token, even non-smokers may live to a ripe old age. And while they are enjoying a long, long life, they'll all be a greater burden to the young generation that has to support them...

The Chinese are taking great steps along the path of "progress": they actually care about the "smoking epidemic!" Isn't all this imported concern for health by the Chinese government touching?

Especially in a country where the government denies support to all children of the family that are born after the first one.

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Stuck for what to buy someone special as a present?   How about a rubber ashtray?    We're not kidding, have a look here for rubber ashtrays and a lot more.

Http://www.sillyprat.com/smoking.htm

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